Miyerkules, Mayo 16, 2012

Needing Something Static

I'm one of those people who believe that the entire world can change in a day. That's why I've always been conscious about how time is spent; one mismanaged second and everything can come crashing down, despite the best of plans and intentions. But, there are always incidents and circumstances that's out of one's control, so one can only try one's best to keep a grip on everything.

The past week has been what one can describe as a game changer. A paradigm shift. A reshuffling of the familiar to pave the way for uncertainty. Right now, I'm not exactly sure where I stand, or where I want to stand.

Midweek Drinking, Just Like The Old Days.

I don't know if I've mentioned this in the past, but my work at the Think Tank has a tendency to dry up on a seasonal basis. It contributes to not just my consistent lack of finances, but also my tremendous amount of free time. You know the age old dilemma about money and time. Still, I try to survive (barely) with that.

Such a dry spell was the case on a Tuesday night, so I end up the way I usually end up during such scenarios: at the Big Man's, getting a drink on. It was loud, it was fun, it was nice. Even the Tapa King's presence added to what was, in my mind, an ideal way to spend the night: a minor buzz, a lively conversation that involved plans of future movies, personal stuff and corporate espionage, and most importantly, everything was real. No guards, no pretenses, none of the usual shit I've been exposed to for the past few months. 

It definitely was a nice alternative to earning money that day.

Out With The Boys, Unfortunately Like The Old Days.

A couple of days later, the girlfriend went to Singapore in the morning. At a loss for company or anything to do, (plus I sorta overslept and missed doing stand up as well as meet up with my "handler") I went on to hang out with The HUman Torch, The Big Man and a couple of their fellow network cult people or whatever for some drinking in a place of ill repute.
When you're sober, things seem a lot less fun. Even more when you're at a certain age. So there I was, old and sober, and I spent a night in near silence observing the follies of the various people from other tables. Once that whole experience was over, I needed something more, so, The Human torch, The Big Man and I continued with a few more drinks at the guy's house once more. And that was fun.

Something happened, I think, a some point in the recent past. Something changed. I'm pretty sure it wasn't sudden, but it crept quietly enough for me to only notice it once the effects have come to be. And one of those effects were predominantly felt that night in that bar: boredom. 1998 me would be smirking in sarcastic amusement by now. 

Something else happened that day, but that I'll discuss some other time.

The Curve Ball.

I spent Saturday bothered by my lack of responsiveness to the previous night's festivities, and the following day, Sunday, was spent with the Scoobies. For days, I've been seeing my beloved Scoobies lamenting shit online. Of course, I dismissed it as something that didn't particularly involve me.

So I showed up at Marvi's house, once again remarkably late due to another bout of oversleeping, when I found the news out. Nikki has been accepted for a job in Singapore, and she was going to leave the morning after, thus, making it the last night the Scoobies and I are "complete". 

I've drank with a lot of people, in a lot of varying circumstances, in my life. It's rare that I get to drink with someone, especially someone that close to me, on the cusp of undergoing a tremendous change. It was… emotionally intense. We laughed, took pictures, gossiped about people a bit, listened to local 90s music, you know, the usual stuff that we did when we're together. There was the quiet satisfaction that only the feeling of utter contentment in the company you keep can only provide. I mean, this is Nikki, the last girl I ever pursued in college. One of the only five women I brought into my Fortress after she was too drunk to go home from Marbles. The only other member of the Scoobies who was legally single and childless. The one who I brought to assess one of the girls I was about to jump into a relationship with. The one who had me miss work and risk being fired at a time when I was desperate to keep a job because her heart was broken. She's loud. She's demanding. She's one of ours. And she's leaving. And yeah, she's going to come back, at least she claims she will, but there's a lot of difference from knowing that we can call her up to meet any time, and having to wait months.
Around four AM, we had to say our goodbyes. People were fighting back tears, and I was cracking jokes, because, hey, we all had our ways of dealing. When she left, Shelly, Marvi and I just sat there, talking about her. Things are definitely not going to be the same. 

Looking back a bit though, I can't help but think that this year has been a landmark year for the Scoobies. Shelly's single and seemingly happy. Nikki's off to Singapore chasing after the future. Marvi has left her job of six (?) years for a new life down in Alabang. And me, with the movie/s and the writing for TV and the new girlfriend thing.

We've all come a long way. Let's just try and stay together despite all that. Please.

Where I Stand Now.

This whole post seems a little too dramatic and even a little whiny. Point is, I'm older now, and things have changed. There have been developments (some I'm not at liberty to discuss yet) that I'm going to be dealing with in the time to come. I might withdraw a bit, limiting my interaction to a selected number of individuals. I've got a lot of things to do, a lot of moves to make. I'm being vague, yes, but things are happening, and not all of it's to my liking. I feel like I lost something that I'd like to figure out what exactly, and how to regain it. In advance, I'm apologizing to people I might be snubbing, and people I'd be bothering. I'm fine, I'm not unhappy. But there are certain elements missing, and I don't think I can fully function the way I usually do until they're found.

"I find it hard to believe
That all the pain that we are feeling
Has some meaning in this world
It's so hard to believe
That everything you see is different
From the things that you've been told
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
O please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
I find it hard to believe
That someone up there is waiting
With arms open wide and smiling
It's so hard to believe
When someone told me that your suffering
Is what you get for living
I wanted life to be this way
Just a little bit of love could mean so much
O please don't take it all away
But with you heaven is still close enough to touch
Because your love is still the only thing
That matters in this world
The only thing I can believe..." - The eraserheads, "Hard to Believe"

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