Lunes, Pebrero 18, 2013

Living in a Nutshell

I haven't updated this blog in a month, which is the longest time in recent memory that I haven't put down the goings on of my mostly unremarkable life. The result of that, not that it was apparent to anyone, is that I've been nothing more than a walking bunch of nerves the past month. See, I started writing about my life on a semi-regular basis since I was in high school for therapeutic reasons. I was never comfy with sharing things about myself, especially during my teen years, and through writing I've found an avenue for release.

The thing is, the past month, I've been tired. Of everything. Again, one would not figure as much looking at me the past several years as I've managed to retain my public demeanor (with the exception of lapses in judgments during moments of weakness which I reached out to a couple of people that definitely are the wrong candidates to help anyone out during such a time of internal crisis) to be as close to normal as possible, but I haven't been all that up. In fact, the only reason why I'm writing now is that I've reached the point wherein I really need to let some of this aggression out.

The past month has been quite the ride, to say the least, on both a personal and professional level, and right now, as I bang out these words in a mostly empty office, I have more than a few things to get off my chest. In the past four weeks, I've gone through the end of my latest relationship, watched the oldest couple I know split up, deal with the more than a handful of difficult people and reassess my views on the majority of people I've hung around with for the majority of the past couple of years.

The Tiny Dancer Takes a Bow.

My relationship with the Tiny Dancer came out of left field. It was never in the books, considering both my reluctance to pursue people in that line of work as well as my own personal decision of holding off on romantic relationships for at least a year. But it happened. I wanted it to happen. Odds are she wanted it too. And it was good, for a week. What came after that week was a series of events that wasn't only bad for the relationship, but also bad for my physical and mental health. The relationship ended after three weeks or so.

I'm not going to get into the details surrounding that, specially because, for the most part, it's her story to tell, and I don't blame her for everything that went down. True, she did a few things that led to the breakup, but some of the problems with the relationship stems from the fact that I wasn't ready. All the external factors that caused us problems merely highlighted that fact. It isn't a question of feelings, or differences, because in the past I have proven that I can see those kinds of problems through. Hell, while the problems between me and the Tiny Dancer had me go sleepless for five days and gave hypertension on almost a daily basis, everyone who's been around me for an extended period of time knows I've been through worse. If anything, the bad shit just expedited the inevitable.

So now, it's over. Relationship number 15 has faced an early end and while I personally have no regrets whatsoever, I go back to square one relationship-wise. I am at a point wherein I question the very thought of me being ready ever again. And unlike when the break up of 2011 when I had people like the Salesman to give me a pep talk about not continuing my pursuit of happiness because I deserve it, this time it's not a matter of me deserving anything. This time, it's a matter of me even wanting it. I mean, how many times does a person have to lose before realizing that the game isn't for him?

Everything Else That Went On.

In the middle of me dealing with my relationship woes, I was also busy with other things. One trait I have that I both good and bad is that I tend to work a lot. (Some of the people at the Think Tank may scoff at reading that last part, but only because a lot of them believes that if it doesn't happen with the confines of the office, it probably isn't true.) That particular trait has contributed to the decline of my health, but has helped me retain sanity. So while my personal romantic life has been running rampant, I opted to still show up for work, still write the occasional sketch for everybody's favorite comedy show, and even do some reshoots for the music video. (A video that, sadly enough, may not see the light of day unless some people get their shit together.)

Aside from all the work, drinking on a regular basis helped too, as I've gotten myself drunk more times than I usually do this time of the year. Of all the drinking sessions I've been on though, there's one that stands out, and it's the time that me, the Human Torch and the Big Man were out drinking at this bar that wifi. (The bar is owned by one of the people at the Think Tank, so that's an interesting albeit irrelevant detail.) I was finishing up a sketch for the TV show and I needed to get my drink on in a place where I can send the script directly after finishing it. (The director of the TV show has this nasty habit of calling me up for emergency sketches at the last minute.)  Once the script was done, we were left with a ton of alcohol and a laptop that's connected to the Internet. The end result? Impromptu Hidalgo Boys reunion as we old guys discovered technology and Skyped it with Ol' Football Head. I have to say that those scant minutes of our online reunion were the highlight of the month. As always, I'm reminded of simpler times. Those years in Hidalgo street were, and I can't say this enough, perhaps the best times of my life.  Back when I was nothing more but a college instructor at some not-so-esteemed institution, the Big Man was a mere phone monkey, Ol' Football Head was flipping burgers locally, and everyone else was still either studying or doing some equally boring task. We weren't “successful” or “glamorous”, or even completely self actualized, but we were happy. Fuck that, we more than happy. We were content. 

These days, happiness and contentment tend to escape every single one of us. No matter how rich the Big Man has become, or how independent Ol' Football Head has become or how successful I've become with my own creative pursuits. At the end of the day, I'm sure theres a part of them that would rather be back there, drinking and laughing every Sunday. I know I do.

Speaking of Unhappiness...

It finally happened. Everyone, I'm certain, saw it coming. After years of signs and bad decisions, the Big man and his wife finally split up. With the way things are, it's still not a complete separation, and I'm pretty that them getting back together is a distinct possibility, but these are events in a person's life that make you think back five or so years ago and know that at that time, this would be unimaginable. 

That's the status quo now. A lot of people in my life, and myself included, have predicted that this is where life leads. Shit, I never expected to be alive still. But, that's how it goes, I guess. I'm sure the Big Man and everyone else would make the best of everything, and as will I. 

One amusing thing about this situation was that me and the Tiny Dancer broke up the same weekend the Big Man and his wife decided on their trial separation thing. The last time the Big Man and I were simultaneously single was in 1998. Think about it.

The Mundane Retreat.

After the break up, things have quieted down for me, work-wise. The TV show hasn't bee needing an extra hand at writing and the producers of the music video are still on the process of cleaning stuff up, so I found more than some measure of respite. It's why I'm able to blog now, actually. I've been doing nothing else but go to the Think Tank the past week or so. The routine has yet to take its toll on me, though I'm sure one of these days I'll get the itch and work on something other than the god-awful toil that the people in the office seem to be happy doing on a daily basis. (I'm really not cut out for just doing one thing.)

I see my days at the Think Tank as a working vacation, and the fact that I've gotten close to a fellow former teacher with quite a penchant for drinking has made this break fun for me. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I get to spend time with an adorable office mate in the process.

I think I'll do this, and just this, for a couple of months or so. Watching everyone in the office and making new friends out of old acquaintances really put this entire landscape in an interesting new perspective. Back then, I always viewed the Think Tank as small factions of people that comprise an uninteresting whole. Now, I only see two kinds of people: those who see and those who don't.

With that in mind, I'm just going to chill in the Tank for a few weeks, sort my shit out, sit back and laugh at the laughable, admire the admirable and adore the adorable. Hopefully, once I'm back on my feet and my head is straightened out, we can finally get 2013 moving.