Tired But Inspired

Time and time again, I have managed to remind myself that the personal rules I’ve set for myself exist for a reason. My two previous romantic relationships have stood as proof of that. Now that all of that is done (or done-ish. Duntdunt dunnn...), I am happy to say that I am now back on the right track by simply sticking to my own standards of right and wrong.

With that piece of information in mind, and the fact that this is shaping up to be a lengthier than usual post as it is, I’ll save the rants for another time.

The Session After.

With my latest romantic pursuit well within the confines of the past, the Big Man, his friend and myself had a little post drama drinking session at my place. The highlight of that night was a discussing about (surprise, surprise) superheroes. That particular conversation is actually what prompted me to embrace the non-compromising nature of my set rules once more.

Incidentally, that was also a night that I realized that it’s time to put the Big Man on the bench in terms of upcoming projects, at least until he gets his affairs (so to speak) in order. I have not seen or spoken to him since that night, but what I saw that night was a man that’s still distracted. It was the same way that he was distracted during the time that we were working together with the Make Up Artist, or the same kind of distraction I saw when he was working on the yet to be released music video, at least during the pre-production stage. I pondered this before, I think, but I never truly understood why anyone would allow someone else to have such a level of control of him or herself, but that’s how it is, at least of the time being. I think I’ve preached enough for him to know my stand on things. It’s really up to him at this point how this whole things plays out. If he wants to hang out, I’ll hang out, but I can’t work with anyone whose focus isn’t as clear as it could be.

As we wrapped up that drinking session, he and I, along with his extremely emotionally needy friend, went out for breakfast, and not surprisingly, we ran into the Tapa King. (The breakfast place is just in their street and the Tapa King, being perpetually unemployed as he is, apparently had nothing better to do at 4 AM than to walk around.) Me, I love the food at that place, so regardless of his annoying presence, I was going to scarf down. It still boggles me how he can act as if nothing happened, even though the Big Man and I were clearly unwelcoming. In fact, I wonder how people can just walk around without addressing issues. It’s getting to a point where it’s becoming disrespectful, as this person obviously doesn’t take me, the Big Man, and everyone else with any level of seriousness. The fact that everyone’s avoiding him like he was covered head to toe in shit isn’t exactly a subtle hint, but more of a deafening declaration of “dude, stay the fuck away”. I refuse to believe that anyone is that dense to not get that message loudly and clearly. 

Lending a Hand.

With the exception of that night, the majority of the past two weeks were spent with the people at the Think Tank. The Fat Man from our previous team has been one of my closer work friends during my two year stay at the Tank, which is ironic given that he was one of the first people I ever had a conflict with. Still, we’ve become friends over the years, and despite the fact that on that particular night, after a long day of working, I still couldn’t say no when he asked for assistance on behalf of his sister.

His sister needed to a video edited for work, and I figured it was a better use of a film diploma than any of my so-called artistic pursuits from the past year. So, we stayed up all night, did the video, ate voraciously (I still maintain that this is the group that really got me into enjoying food.), and basically laughed all night. I’ve always been more effective when working with people I like, and the end result of that (aside from a couple of nights of bro-time) was a box of cupcakes his sister had offered to bake for this girl that I’ve had more than platonic feelings for for more or less two years. That particular point is discussed in the next section.

  

The Adorable Dilemma.

Long story, but here’s the concentrated version. I started working at the Think Tank, I found her adorable, but I was dating one of the Angels. Besides, it never escalated to anything more serious than “that girl is super cute”, so I kinda ignored it. Then, my problems with the mind reached its peak, resulting in the dissolution of the relationship with the Angel, and me taking some time off from work to work out the crazy. It didn’t help that the office was being renovated and Adorbs didn’t really come to work for a couple of months, and I was preparing for my first Hong Kong competition as well as helping out the Big Man with this project.

When I came back from Hong Kong to the Think Tank on a more regular basis, I developed a thing for the girl I call my Erin Hannon and went after her, which didn’t lead to anything as I ended up with a different girl. That relationship ended after a few months later, as I was getting really busy with the TV job, the full time job, and the preparation for another Hong Kong competition.

When I came back, I ended up noticing the girl again, but until anything solid could materialize, December happened, along with the music video and the Tiny Dancer. That’s both done now.

Currently, I am struggling with how I might tell her about these feelings I have without coming off as unconvincing, considering she was around for everything that happened above. I’m pretty sure my reputation when it comes to women is nowhere near “respectable”, despite the complicated cases that surrounded each of my previous relationships. Being rejected is one thing, but being rejected even before I was given a proper sporting chance to prove myself worthy kinda eats a massive amount of dick.

So, that’s the current storyline. And yes, I do realize I tend to fall for women rather quickly. There’s no need to point that out.

Another Friday at Marbles.

I spent the first Friday night this post will be discussing with two people at Marbles, though the two seemed to take shifts in hanging out with me. The first half of the night was spent with my Erin Hannon, and we talked about all the drama surrounding our respective romantic pasts and presents (or lack thereof). The second half was spent with the fellow former teacher, and that’s always fun.

The night was the usual drinks and rowdiness, sprinkled with a few serious talks. As I mentioned in my last post; this is balance, and it is helping.

Listening to the Soundtrack.

Saturday came and I went North to check out the Motor City Soundtrack concert with another friend from the Think Tank. It was a great show, but the said friend from work had to go home immediately afterwards. And there I was, hoping to make a night out of it. I think it’s a generational thing. I know, the music should’ve been enough, and for most people it is. But when I was younger, you can’t end a night of great music, specially if each of the songs reminding you of a specific portion of your life, without creating new memories.

Hell, I remember back in 2005, just 30 minutes away from where the concert was, I attended a music festival that began with me hanging about with my MTV friends, and ending with me with a bunch of strangers, catching a perverted security guard, personally stopping one of the drummers from the numerous bands from beating up said guard, and ending the night the night with a stolen kiss from the girl of my (then) dreams before she headed home with her date. And yeah, all that happened in one night. That was not the first, nor was it the last legendary night I’d have, but it’s the kinda of night my present life seems to be missing more and more frequently.

Still, in the words of Motion City Soundtrack, I’m living “a life less ordinary”, and I’m more than content about that. Besides, I managed to end the week with another drinking session with the girl and a few others, so you know... woohoo.

Playing Professor Once More.

The week following that was relatively low key, with only the appearance of a few key former teammates providing a relative highlight. Midweek though, I was asked to speak at a symposium about the benefits of media as tools for education.  Since it’s been a while since I’ve spoken to students in such a capacity, and my difficulty with saying the word “no”, off I went to PUP with the hopes to enlighten. Of course, it would have helped if I actually slept the night before the talk. But, it was a job that I had to do and, like countless times before, I soldiered on to provide what was at best, an average performance.

This marks the third time I’ve ever done work as a speaker for something, and as with every time, I feel truly blessed. Being able to share what I’ve learned over the past decade or so, working for various types of companies and basically just living through some insane shit is one of the most rewarding things I can ever do. The best thing about the day, I realized as I took the long bus ride back to the South to drink with the fellow former teacher from the office, is the fact that I can firmly say that I DON’T miss teaching anymore.

It’s been a long time hand up of mine, given the circumstances in which I’d left the academe and the life I led after, is that I was always working towards one day returning to the classroom. Now, I realize that, as passionate as I was about teaching several years ago, that’s not me anymore. It takes a special amount of caring, an amount I no longer have, to be effective at that. That was the early 20s ideal me, and the ideal me hasn’t been around since early 2009.

The Current Climate.

I don’t see myself slowing down professionally anytime soon, what with the Uber Geek’s music video and another shitty movie on the horizon (not to mention the one job I have that regularly pays the bills), but my personal life is somewhat in the shitter. What with harboring feelings for the unattainable, the missing friends and the missing nights, and, perhaps triggered by me no longer longing to teach, the slow and sure return of the dark and crazy shit that I’ve learned to live miserably with.

All in all, it’s good, I guess. Hey, at least it’s not boring.

“Tell me that you're alright,


Yeah everything is alright.


Oh please tell me that you're alright,


Yeah everything is alright.





Give me a reason to end this discussion,


To break with tradition.
To fold and divide.



Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,


Talking with strangers, waiting in line..


I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.


"Are you feeling fine?"

“
Yes, I feel just fine.” – Motion City Soundtrack, “Everything is Alright”