Anger Bang The World

Very few people can attest to this, given my usually jovial nature, but I am a really, constantly, angry man. It’s not that I get ticked off easily, mind you, but like I said, I am constantly pissed off. The reason I bring this up is that a lot of events, not just from the past few weeks, but so far this year, that I’ve encountered people that have complained about my rage. And that’s what bugs me. Not the fact that they point this out and not just because it’s wrong, but because the people who have been pointing out are mostly the ones that have given me just cause to be angry. Let’s be straight here. Yes, I am angry almost all of the time, but I’ve had the good sense to not direct it on anyone specific unless given reason to. All I’m saying is, before you blame anything on me having a short fuse, I strongly suggest that you look yourself in the mirror and think about how you messed up. Because yes, you, even in your perceived infinite wisdom, fucks things up for other people.

But that’s not this week’s rant. My rant is about people who do fuck up and give half assed apologies. I’m going to keep this short because I’m fairly certain I wrote about this before. If you apologize to someone, don’t bother giving any lame excuse. I don’t care what you were feeling when you made the decision to make me mad. I don’t care how hard things were for you during that crucial moment. I don’t give a flying fuck if one of your favorite shows were cancelled. You were wrong. That’s all I need to hear from you. And once we’ve established that, do something to show that you are really sorry. I don’t know how, but a gesture that illustrates your sincerity is needed. Don’t just promise to not do it again. That’s fucking retarded. What makes you so special or important that you get extra points for doing something that you were supposed to do in the first place and just failed to gather the level of maturity or consideration to do so? Nothing. That’s what.

Going back to my original point, yeah, I’m always angry, so I have no problem being angry at people who can’t fix what they broke. I’m not expecting people to always do right; I expect them to avoid doing things that are wrong. And if it does occur, own up and make up. It’s not that hard, especially if you have the ability to get over yourself.

Rant over. Drama time.

The Tranquility of Friday Nights.

After everything that’s happened in January and early February, I’ve had an opportunity for a nice, quiet routine. As I said in my last post, the utterly mundane nature of having just one job might be what I need for some time. After a while, though, it started getting to me. And then I remembered what kept me going during my 20s, even through the shittiest jobs with the shittiest of people: the simple act of hitting the bars on a Friday night.

In all my years as a working man, I would still consider those times when SosoJeff, his wife, B, and whoever else joined us used to hit the Grill every Friday to be the best years of my professional life. And shit would happen constantly. From people getting into fight with bouncers, to someone (mostly me) getting drunk and getting flirty, to all the other crap we went through and laughed about, those years, those nights made me feel more happy than even a good night of hitting the mic. Hell, I can’t even listen to “We Are Young” without it stinging a little because for years, that song would have rung true every single Friday.

I would have been happy if this was the most interesting thing that
 happened the past two weeks.

These days, or at least, ever since 2009, those things changed. Now, don’t get me wrong, the big Man and the rest of the boys are a good hang, and we have a ton of adventures under our belt, but it’s usually not my kind of scene they’re into. The Big Man in particular, would much prefer the fantasy he’s created with the kind of clubs he goes to. Not knocking that, cause I live out my own delusions of grandeur during my nights out.

So it goes without saying that when my Erin Hannon invited people for what was supposedly her last hurrah as a full time part of the Think Tank, I was pumped, more so for selfish reasons. And when she backed out at the last minute, that’s when I realized the value of those Friday nights. So, not to be dissuaded from my needs, I dragged a few people from the office, the ones I’ve been hanging out with a lot recently, and had our own night out. While it was nowhere near the level of a typical 2005-2007 Friday, I was good enough. From cats in the bathroom, to unstoppable hiccups, to me sneaking some longing looks to the utterly adorbs, it was more than adequate. It was enough to last me a week of something resembling joy.

Blatant Reminders.

Towards the end of the month, I was content with just doing my thing at the Think Tank until another Friday rolled around, but I received a text from the Tiny Dancer, asking for company in the form of a drinking buddy. I obliged for two major reasons: first, regardless of the case, I’m a strong believer that when a person asks you for something and it’s well within your power to provide it, you have a social obligation to do so; and second, well, I don’t like turning down free booze. I should’ve listened to the alarms that were going off in my head, not to mention the logical arguments an officemate made when she was telling me not to go.

So, once again, Marbles was witness to another one of those nights that would live on in infamy. We had a few beers, and I got drunk, naturally. (Here’s a secret to those who are confused by my actual alcohol tolerance: if we’re hanging out and I get drunk really quickly, it means I’m not having a good time and I’ve embraced the drunkenness.) The Big Man and his “friend” showed up, and eventually, after a quick stop to the Think Tank, we ended up at the gas station, which had also been witness to a lot of memorable nights. (Sadly, I’m hard pressed to come up with an example of a night that was memorable because of good reasons.) It was at this point when things hit the fan. (A little sidenote: Before a certain sitcom made it popular, the whole “nothing good happens after 3 AM” rule was already observed by me and my bar buddies since our college days.) Without divulging too many details, the Tiny Dancer, drunk off her ass, asked if we could get together, and that led to more drama, drama that spilled over the following day that caused a massive effect on my work and my plans for the rest of the month. And I know she might mean well, but god damn, I’ve never been so angry in recent memory.

This whole episode reminded of why the relationship didn’t work out in the first place. It also reminded me that I’m not ready, as I repeatedly mentioned in my last post. It also reminded me how much of “damaged goods” I am if things like this tend to happen to me on a fairly regular basis.

Weirdly enough, the afternoon before all that happened, I woke up feeling good. I felt ready to do things, purse things, that I was previously unprepared for and downright unworthy of. Yeah, we’re back to that.

A New Project.

I ended the workweek with a drink at the Pub, joined by a girl that was actually named Erin. After the completely stressful events from the previous days it was nice to decompress in a bar and just talk about small stuff like writing with a new friend. I went home feeling a tad better than I did the day before that.

In the day that followed, I met with an old friend, the Uber Geek, to discuss a new project that, while it won’t be making me any richer, would give me something of value to focus on, for a change. The Uber Geek has spent the past few years building a life that was ideal to him: normal job during the day, indie pursuits during the night. With two bands and a solo thing going on, he’s immersed himself in his craft the way that I’ve always wanted to but never really had the strength to avoid personal relationships.

Before I went to our meeting, I was deep in thought about what I really wanted to do this year. Yes, the stand up comedy thing is a constant, but writing for TV and making another skinflick didn’t really grab me. (The latter never did.) What with the music video seemingly derailed due to issues with the studio or whoever, the Uber Geek presented me with a nice option. I am going to make the Uber Geek’s first music video. We discussed it, and the guy had a bunch of ideas that were both challenging and apt for the song. This is where my energies deserve to be focused on, I realized right away.

This is going to be fun. The Uber Geek and I have had chances to work together before (the “Binondo Incident” and our collaboration album) but those instances were always marred by external factors. This time, it’s different. I hope.

Look, a rape-stache.

Basically, this is what I needed after the sordid events my personal life has been though: something to actually look forward to this year.

The Quiet Reunion.

Natz finally made his presence known. It was a quiet night of awkward conversation. Still, it was nice to see him, one of the people who’s made the wise decision of selecting me as his best man, again. Considering the relative rarity I get to hang with the Scoobies, ending the semi-stressful two week stretch with one of them is proper.

Today.

Now, well, aside from being really angry, I’m mostly disappointed at the odd turnout of my personal affairs. I had fully expected that I could be friends with the ex, you know, for a change, but I guess now’s not the time. That somehow sent me through some sort of funk. But, today’s another day, and here’s hoping that this time next year, everything’s a little more adorable.

Living in a Nutshell

I haven't updated this blog in a month, which is the longest time in recent memory that I haven't put down the goings on of my mostly unremarkable life. The result of that, not that it was apparent to anyone, is that I've been nothing more than a walking bunch of nerves the past month. See, I started writing about my life on a semi-regular basis since I was in high school for therapeutic reasons. I was never comfy with sharing things about myself, especially during my teen years, and through writing I've found an avenue for release.

The thing is, the past month, I've been tired. Of everything. Again, one would not figure as much looking at me the past several years as I've managed to retain my public demeanor (with the exception of lapses in judgments during moments of weakness which I reached out to a couple of people that definitely are the wrong candidates to help anyone out during such a time of internal crisis) to be as close to normal as possible, but I haven't been all that up. In fact, the only reason why I'm writing now is that I've reached the point wherein I really need to let some of this aggression out.

The past month has been quite the ride, to say the least, on both a personal and professional level, and right now, as I bang out these words in a mostly empty office, I have more than a few things to get off my chest. In the past four weeks, I've gone through the end of my latest relationship, watched the oldest couple I know split up, deal with the more than a handful of difficult people and reassess my views on the majority of people I've hung around with for the majority of the past couple of years.

The Tiny Dancer Takes a Bow.

My relationship with the Tiny Dancer came out of left field. It was never in the books, considering both my reluctance to pursue people in that line of work as well as my own personal decision of holding off on romantic relationships for at least a year. But it happened. I wanted it to happen. Odds are she wanted it too. And it was good, for a week. What came after that week was a series of events that wasn't only bad for the relationship, but also bad for my physical and mental health. The relationship ended after three weeks or so.

I'm not going to get into the details surrounding that, specially because, for the most part, it's her story to tell, and I don't blame her for everything that went down. True, she did a few things that led to the breakup, but some of the problems with the relationship stems from the fact that I wasn't ready. All the external factors that caused us problems merely highlighted that fact. It isn't a question of feelings, or differences, because in the past I have proven that I can see those kinds of problems through. Hell, while the problems between me and the Tiny Dancer had me go sleepless for five days and gave hypertension on almost a daily basis, everyone who's been around me for an extended period of time knows I've been through worse. If anything, the bad shit just expedited the inevitable.

So now, it's over. Relationship number 15 has faced an early end and while I personally have no regrets whatsoever, I go back to square one relationship-wise. I am at a point wherein I question the very thought of me being ready ever again. And unlike when the break up of 2011 when I had people like the Salesman to give me a pep talk about not continuing my pursuit of happiness because I deserve it, this time it's not a matter of me deserving anything. This time, it's a matter of me even wanting it. I mean, how many times does a person have to lose before realizing that the game isn't for him?

Everything Else That Went On.

In the middle of me dealing with my relationship woes, I was also busy with other things. One trait I have that I both good and bad is that I tend to work a lot. (Some of the people at the Think Tank may scoff at reading that last part, but only because a lot of them believes that if it doesn't happen with the confines of the office, it probably isn't true.) That particular trait has contributed to the decline of my health, but has helped me retain sanity. So while my personal romantic life has been running rampant, I opted to still show up for work, still write the occasional sketch for everybody's favorite comedy show, and even do some reshoots for the music video. (A video that, sadly enough, may not see the light of day unless some people get their shit together.)

Aside from all the work, drinking on a regular basis helped too, as I've gotten myself drunk more times than I usually do this time of the year. Of all the drinking sessions I've been on though, there's one that stands out, and it's the time that me, the Human Torch and the Big Man were out drinking at this bar that wifi. (The bar is owned by one of the people at the Think Tank, so that's an interesting albeit irrelevant detail.) I was finishing up a sketch for the TV show and I needed to get my drink on in a place where I can send the script directly after finishing it. (The director of the TV show has this nasty habit of calling me up for emergency sketches at the last minute.)  Once the script was done, we were left with a ton of alcohol and a laptop that's connected to the Internet. The end result? Impromptu Hidalgo Boys reunion as we old guys discovered technology and Skyped it with Ol' Football Head. I have to say that those scant minutes of our online reunion were the highlight of the month. As always, I'm reminded of simpler times. Those years in Hidalgo street were, and I can't say this enough, perhaps the best times of my life.  Back when I was nothing more but a college instructor at some not-so-esteemed institution, the Big Man was a mere phone monkey, Ol' Football Head was flipping burgers locally, and everyone else was still either studying or doing some equally boring task. We weren't “successful” or “glamorous”, or even completely self actualized, but we were happy. Fuck that, we more than happy. We were content. 

These days, happiness and contentment tend to escape every single one of us. No matter how rich the Big Man has become, or how independent Ol' Football Head has become or how successful I've become with my own creative pursuits. At the end of the day, I'm sure theres a part of them that would rather be back there, drinking and laughing every Sunday. I know I do.

Speaking of Unhappiness...

It finally happened. Everyone, I'm certain, saw it coming. After years of signs and bad decisions, the Big man and his wife finally split up. With the way things are, it's still not a complete separation, and I'm pretty that them getting back together is a distinct possibility, but these are events in a person's life that make you think back five or so years ago and know that at that time, this would be unimaginable. 

That's the status quo now. A lot of people in my life, and myself included, have predicted that this is where life leads. Shit, I never expected to be alive still. But, that's how it goes, I guess. I'm sure the Big Man and everyone else would make the best of everything, and as will I. 

One amusing thing about this situation was that me and the Tiny Dancer broke up the same weekend the Big Man and his wife decided on their trial separation thing. The last time the Big Man and I were simultaneously single was in 1998. Think about it.

The Mundane Retreat.

After the break up, things have quieted down for me, work-wise. The TV show hasn't bee needing an extra hand at writing and the producers of the music video are still on the process of cleaning stuff up, so I found more than some measure of respite. It's why I'm able to blog now, actually. I've been doing nothing else but go to the Think Tank the past week or so. The routine has yet to take its toll on me, though I'm sure one of these days I'll get the itch and work on something other than the god-awful toil that the people in the office seem to be happy doing on a daily basis. (I'm really not cut out for just doing one thing.)

I see my days at the Think Tank as a working vacation, and the fact that I've gotten close to a fellow former teacher with quite a penchant for drinking has made this break fun for me. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I get to spend time with an adorable office mate in the process.

I think I'll do this, and just this, for a couple of months or so. Watching everyone in the office and making new friends out of old acquaintances really put this entire landscape in an interesting new perspective. Back then, I always viewed the Think Tank as small factions of people that comprise an uninteresting whole. Now, I only see two kinds of people: those who see and those who don't.

With that in mind, I'm just going to chill in the Tank for a few weeks, sort my shit out, sit back and laugh at the laughable, admire the admirable and adore the adorable. Hopefully, once I'm back on my feet and my head is straightened out, we can finally get 2013 moving.

Boo, year.

It’s the new year, and it’s my first post of 2013. It’s been a busy three weeks for me, what with the holidays, and the shoot, and post, and the whole business with me turning 31 and all that.

I wrote this post moments before something incredibly bad and complicated happened, so it’s a bit out of date. The cheery tone in this post might not be present in the next one, so might as well drink this all in now.

No quasi-humorous rants either. Not this time.

The Goddamned Holidays.

God, I fucking hate the holidays. I really do. And it’s annoying how everyone kinda expects that you play along.

Seriously though, I would have wanted to do the movie thing at Jo F’n Regis’ place again, since that started off a really awesome year for me, but things came up. It’s cool, but I really need to move out again. This whole “we are family” shit, despite the seemingly good intentions presented when I was first asked to come home, is really not me. The year or so I’ve spent there hammered that point further. 

The Shoot.

On the upside of things, and yes, it has been nearly a decade since I had a December that had an upside, the time for shooting the music video finally came. Despite my feelings about the song where interpreting, the artist performing that song or even the entire industry itself, I always love production time, especially when I’m heading it. It’s not a power thing, as anyone who knows me knows I’d rather do things myself than having a entire team of people to do it for me. Creative, psychological, mental and other possible reasons aside, I like shooting videos because I like bringing people together and getting the job done On the two days of the shoot, that’s what we all did.

The Big Man, who I noticed has been distracted in the past few weeks, surprised me by rising above those distractions and delivering, something I thought he wasn’t completely able to do back when he was managing. Now, I see that he’s ready for it. The Producer set aside his own craziness and did his work admirable, surprising me and definitely surprising the Big Man. The cast was energetic, talented, and looked fucking great on camera. All of them pretty much drove me to up my own game, ignoring the hypertension that nagged me after Hong Kong and the bum knee I was still nursing.

I think the revelation here is how well me and the Big Man worked together. We’ve done so several times before, but never to such results. I guess it’s the maturity and the respect that’s been cultivated over the years, and yeah that fight from last year helped, in my opinion. It was a two day homerun that makes me look forward tot he next project, regardless of what that is.

The Wrap Party.

Right after the shoot, the cast, the Big Man and myself went out and had ourselves a nice session of singing and drinking. I’ve always made it a point to drink with the people I’ve selected after the project. I think it’s important that these people bond over something other than work, particularly since a lot of them might not see each other again. Plus, the chemistry was incredible, particularly considering how nearly all of them are just connected through me. You have people hitting it off like they’ve known each other for years... and if extended relationships are formed, then that makes the project a success in my book, no matter if the video is actually good or not.

Of course, I didn’t stay for long, as I had to visit the Tiny Dancer at her job. She’s part of the cast, and if she can’t come to the party, might as well bring the party, albeit a small portion of it, to her.

After a night of drinks, and breakfast, with her, it was then I realized that I’ve been awake for a solid 48 hours or so. Heh. Just like the old days.

Lost.

After being in a one day state state of hibernation, and as the year came to a close, the Big Man and I embarked on a journey that was... well, really stupid. We drove around and got lost in Cavite, a place I was born, raised, and would probably die in.

Still, it was a ton of fun in ym book, and after three straight days of work, it was a welcome thing. Plus, the night in the club that came afterwards was fun too.

Starting the Year Right.

First day of the year, after being visited at home by the Tiny Dancer, I headed to the Big Man’s household to handle some technical issues (Issues wthat were later resolved by Marvi’s husband, natch.).

When the second morning of the year came, their house was filled with vomit, everyone was speaking in a slurred fashioned, either passed out or about to pass out, and the neighbors were probably kept up all night by all the singing.

Yup. That happened.

Business as Usual.

In the midst of post production, I still managed to snag a couple of nights out with certain people from the Think Tank. And those nights were adorable. (And they also involved a lot drinking and eating.) Problems seem to loom for the immediate future of my emotional state, but that’s a story for another, less cheery post.

Turning 31.

I never planned on celebrating my 31^st, but then again, I guess even I can’t schedule everything. The Tiny Dancer showed up with a couple of surprises, both of which I was overjoyed to receive. (Yeah, she’s my girlfriend now.) Then, a couple of people from the Think Tank surprised me with alcohol and juvenile acts, two things that always seem to go great together. Lastly, the annual celebration with the Scoobies, which is always a delight.

If the first week of the year, as well as the last week of the previous year, are any indication, my 31^st year might even be as good as my 30^th. (Then again, optimism has never really paid off for me, so I’ll still be expecting the worst.)

The Best and Worst of 2012

2012, a year that was supposed to be the last for various reasons, turned out to be one of the best years I’ve had after college. While it still had the usual relationship drama, the highlights from one project after another more than makes up for it. So, as I try to avoid my usual tendency to be way too wordy, here are some words and pictures that should describe my 2012.

Turning 30.

We're getting older, wiser, drunker.

The dread 3 and oh came and I was all for meeting it. Despite my original plan of having just one amazing party to celebrate my three decades and surprising decision to stay alive, I ended up having three. The first one was a surprise party thrown by, ironically enough, people who I mostly don’t speak to anymore. (One of the many reasons I hate surprises.) The second was the one me and Marvi planned, and that one was awesome. Of course, there’s that third party, the extra party I have every year with the Scoobies.

I knew, in that second party, as I lay there, nearly stoned and a tad drunk in the pool, looking at the night sky of the South, that it was going to be a great year.

The Office.

At the end of 2011, I was content with the way things were in the Think Tank. At the start of the year, one major change occurred that resulted in the social upheaval of most things I’ve come to be accustomed to up in the Tank. That change was the Boss’ resignation. This paved the way to a lot of friction to those left behind, especially considering how the replacement decided to handle what remained of the team. What once was a tightly knit group is now... you know what? I’m not even going to get into that. It’s just equal parts hilarious and annoying.

We had a mostly good run, and if there’s one thing I learned about social structures this year, sometimes you just have to trim the fat.

Another Year, Another Relationship.

Got a girlfriend, didn’t work out, she asked to be friends, that didn’t work out either, so now I’m like, a mean guy or something. That’s basically it.

Seriously though, this last relationship had the potential to go the distance, but I guess our wants differed. It was the aftermath that burns my ass, and the sense of entitlement that seems to have resulted from it. But that’s done, and lines have been drawn, and does tend to make life in the Think Tank a tad more interesting.

Indie Jones.

Yeah, we dropped him after this photo was taken.

In support of the family business, I assembled a crew that comprised of the Big Man, The Tapa King, and Jo F’n Regis to go forth and make a shitty indie movie that blew chunks but, as I’ve heard, made bank.

Among other things, this project paved the way for a lot of things that shaped my year, one of which I will discuss in a bit, but in essence, it was just plain fun. It was an amazing experience for me personally, and after years of inactivity, brought me back to form.

One of the Gang.

Shortly after I the movie wrapped, I received a phone call from the director of a show that has been making me laugh since the mid-90s, asking me to come and work for them as a writer. That’s right, I was finally doing comedy on TV, and it was amazing. Week after week, despite certain hassles and issues, I feel like I grew, not just as a comedian, but as a person as a whole working with the business’ best and brightest. To be considered among them is truly an honor, and while I may be on sabbatical right now, I’m looking forward to returning and bringing the funny.

My Boys and I.

For the longest time, I’ve been friends with the boys from (or in close proximity to) Hidalgo street. 2012 saw a rare occurrence wherein me and the Big Man were at odds. Sure, the Critic and the Tapa King were involved, but the basic conflict, or at least the only one that matters was the issue between me and the Big Man. It was resolved, and it resulted in what I think is a greater appreciation of not just our mutual history, but also our basic differences; the things that make the whole relationship work.

Other people from the group also made their presence felt, primarily the Tapa King, who quickly went from being our blunt instrument to just being a useless tool. That’s what happens when one person thinks himself as better than the rest of the group. Jonic and Raymond became welcome additions to the weekends, and the Critic is now enjoying a reclusive kind of being in love or whatever the fuck that is.

All in all, things seem to be looking up, and considering the other endeavors me and the boys pursued over the latter part of the year, this may be the most competent incarnation of the group.

The Scoobies.

Before the big bye bye.

The Scoobies themselves have been through some changes. The biggest of which is Nikki’s departure to Singapore, though we still tend to see her on a fairly regular basis. Marvi also has been moving around, amusingly enough, towards me. She moved to work in Alabang, just a block away from the Think Tank, and, shortly after the flood thing which I was also around for, she and her family moved just a stone’s throw away from where I live. It’s made meeting up with them easier for me. Shelly, Weng and the others also have their own things going.

I’m happy the Scoobies are going strong and have been going strong for almost a decade now. Here’s hoping we all grow old together.

Hong Kong Once More.

And the crowd goes... docile.

My second tour of Hong Kong was better than the first. After nearly not qualifying for the contest, I made the most of the experience. Getting to know the other comedians, learning, relishing the entire journey. I came back better, happier, and filled with a sense of accomplishment. Yeah, I lost, but I did get invited to perform in Singapore, so there’s that. We’ll see what next year holds for my comedic career.

The Beach.

No, we're not known for our maturity.

After HK, the movie, the breakup, the multiple, simultaneous jobs and all of the other shit I had to go through, all I wanted was to enjoy a trip to the beach where I could unwind and do my annual rock thing. The boys and I took two cars and had a weekend in Zambales that resulted in me getting sunburn, a sprained knee, and much needed time to think. That weekend got me ready for next year’s quests, which I will discuss soon.

One Last Project.

The vacation was supposed to be how I end my year, and I wanted to just chill during December, content in knowing I’ve done everything I set out to do in 2012, from a successful 30^th birthday, to competing in Hong Kong. However, I don’t turn down jobs, and when the Big Man’s boss asked us to make a music video for one of his friends, I spent my December making an amazing video that saw the return of my Nephew, a Student of mine, and SMI. Postproduction begins in January, and I’ll be detailing the experience next post. Basically, it’s a fine end to a fine year.

The Verdict.

Here's hoping 2013 is just as awesome as 2012 is, and if not, then fucking end the world already.